Chris Carlos, Mike Federicco, Lulu Ward, Ethan Rains and Leah Spillman in a scene from Jihad Jones. Photo by Mike Mrozek.

Guest blogger Lee Trull is Associate Artist with the Dallas Theater Center and a member of the Kitchen Dog Theater Company.

Jihad Jones and the Kalishnikov Babes at Kitchen Dog Theater is in its third week, and I will be seeing it tonight for the third time. It’s fast paced, funny, topical and fresh. However, the thought that lingers most with me after each performance is how much hotter the out-of-town talent is than me.

I mean WAY hotter.

This is distressing.

Now, I have never thought of myself as a “hot” guy. On the other hand, I’ve never harbored insecurity about my looks. I like the way Nick Hornby puts it: if there was Quasimodo on one side and on the other side Mel Gibson, I would definitely be on the Mel Gibson side.

But this guy – this Ethan Rains – he makes me feel too fat and too thin at the same time. After each show, I run to the men’s room and check my hair line. Currently, the men of Kitchen Dog Theater have begun pulling together a little cash for our “send Ethan back to L.A. where he belongs” fund. Mike Federico emptied his savings account. Chris Carlos has donated his paycheck. Joe Nemmers is selling his plasma. Ian Leson is dressing up like a cow and holding a sign in front of a Chik-Fil-a. So look out, Ethan, we are motivated!

Come this time next year, I’m going to have a six pack and those weird lines on your hips that all the girls at the office talk about.

And then I’m moving to L.A.